Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Losing Mom

A month ago Monday, my Mom died. I am still in shock as I type those words. How is it possible? Why isn't she here anymore? I feel like I have been walking around in a fog. I am able to function only by God's grace. I wonder if people see me and think how well I am handling everything because for the most part, I tend to act as if nothing has changed. But, deep inside, I am hurting every single minute of every single day. I am thankful, in a way, that Anna Ruth is young so that she doesn't really know that I am crying. Sometimes it will hit me and I start to cry and look over at her and she is smiling away. That helps me pull myself together, even if it is only temporarily.

I have found myself in the grocery store checking out in the line and want to tell the cashier to please stop what they are doing because my mom isn't here anymore and I don't understand how everyone can go on like they did before. It sounds so silly when I type it, but it is crazy how I can get mad at complete strangers for something like that and they don't even know it.

Yesterday, we spent Memorial Day with Clint's family and for some reason it made me miss Mom so much. I guess it was the thought that we won't be able to spend holidays with her anymore. Maybe it was because no matter how wonderful my in-laws are (and they are so great), it will never be her. Maybe it was because Anna Ruth was spending time with family but she won't ever get to remember spending time with her Mimi.

AR is a Mommy's girl. I have no doubt it is because she spends 98% of every day with me. Top it off with hitting month 9 where stranger anxiety usually occurs and it pretty much means that when she is around new people or even a crowd of familiar faces, most of the time she only wants me. There are times when it really bothers me because she has great grandparents that just want to hold her or other family that would like to play with her. Sometimes it can be annoying because I just need a break sometimes. But other times, I am okay with it because having those sweet little arms around me can ease the sting of my heartache like nothing else.

I don't know when I will start to feel like myself again. However, I am so thankful for a loving husband who has been so understanding during all my mood phases. I am grateful for family and friends who continue to reach out with calls, cards, texts and visits. I don't take any of these acts of kindness for granted because I know there are so many people who suffer the same heartache and don't have a strong support system. It also means that they are remembering Mom. And, that is so important to me, that no one forgets her beautiful smile and kind personality.

But, I am mostly thankful for the love of Jesus. He is the one that continues to pull me out of the pit of loneliness that I seem to feel on a daily basis. Above all, I know He is going to get me through this dark time. My mom always told me to look to Him for guidance and that is exactly what I am trying doing. I found this verse the other day and it brings me so much comfort. I pray it does the same for you:

 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But, take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33"


Mariellen said...

I am so sorry Missy! I don't know the pain from losing your mom, but I can imagine it is similar to losing Mica. Just know it does get better even in those dark moments when it seems it won't. God definitely saw me through those hard times and still does. I have moments still where I just need a good cry and you know what it's okay. I found that it was also very therapeutic to write my blog post about losing her, so I hope you found some healing in this post too. Our sweet little children are such a blessing in hard times like this. Praying for you!

Leisa said...

You're Mom would be so proud of you Missy of how you are dealing with the loss of her presence. She still loves you Missy...she just isn't able to be with you at this time. And she sees you and your family. Let the tears flow. I too cry for her.