Momma

The past 3 months have been some of the toughest times for my family and me. A little background for those that don't know but I will keep the details light for privacy reasons and since it isn't the purpose of this post.

Around the first of January, my mom got sick with what she thought was a nasty stomach virus that hung on for 2 weeks. One thing lead to another and she ended up in the ER after my grandparents found her unresponsive. Over the next month and a half, she spent her time in the hospital on dialysis trying to recover. She went from being a little out of it to almost zero communication. After suffering a stroke in the hospital (on top of everything else), we ended up having to place her in the very same nursing home she worked in almost a year ago. Not only that, but the very same floor, alongside some of the patients she took care of just a short time ago. What use to be her co-workers were now her caretakers. Another bad turn of events has her back in the hospital, leaving her once again, fighting to stay stable.

I remember a few years ago reading a blog post from a woman who had just lost her mother. I sat there crying as I read about her heart breaking each day she woke up and wasn't able to talk to her mom. Wasn't able to take her kids to see their grandmother and the time she felt was robbed from her. I remember thinking it was so sad but being so very grateful for my momma. Now, I'm that girl. True, my mom is still physically here but it doesn't look very promising that she will ever fully recover to the mom she was before.

I have gone through so many emotions, sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness and loneliness. I hate that I didn't know the last time we spoke on the phone would be the last "real" conversation for awhile, maybe ever. I sometimes get jealous that my friends have their mothers to love on their babies. Because that is what hurts me the most. The time she is missing with Anna Ruth. The major milestones that I am suppose to be sharing with her. When she was still verbal, the one picture she would be able to recognize each and every time was the one of AR. And on good days, she could even tell the nurses that Anna Ruth was her granddaughter. She loves my little girl so much. It isn't time for her Mimi to be gone. I want her to know my mom, to have memories of her and to feel her strong hugs and sweet kisses.

I know it is selfish of me to wish all these things. I know that we are never promised tomorrow. I have faith that if God wants her to make a full recovery, then it will happen in His timing. I certainly believe that He can. I also know that if He wants her to come home, to her eternal home, then I need to be ok with that too. But, I am being totally open and honest when I say that I am not at that point yet. And it may take awhile for me to really be there.

If there is one thing you take away from these thoughts of mine, please let it be that time with our loved ones are ever so precious. One phone call ended could be the last one. Tell them you love them. And please, if you find it in your heart, pray for my Momma.